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Recording: Live Q&A with ICF UK on Coaching the Human #1: Love

Mon, 13 Sep 2021 19:32:43 +0100

This is an audio recording of a live Q&A from 03 August 2021 with me (Ross Nichols), hosted by ICF UK: ICF - Event (coachingfederation.org.uk)

The topic is a discussion of my 3 articles published by ICF UK June-August 2021, which are also available on this blog:

Coaching the Human #1: Love
Coaching the Human #2: Shadow
Coaching the Human #3: Being

Coaching the Human #3: Being

Tue, 13 Jul 2021 19:16:52 +0100

Further to my previous articles in this series, ‘Coaching the Human #1: Love’ in early May; and ‘Coaching the Human #2: Shadow’ in early June, here is the third article, ‘Coaching the Human #3: Being’, which was published in early July as part of the ICF wellbeing series. These 3 articles form a trilogy of what I’ve learned on this amazing journey that we share as coaches.

COACHING THE HUMAN #3: BEING

The Importance of Being

We are known as Human Beings yet most of us in the West have turned into Human Doings. This is perhaps the result of 300 years of the so-called Enlightenment, which focuses on science, logic and rational thinking; and the industrial revolution, which brought factory hours, focusing on productivity and efficiency – Henry Ford’s production line for making cars and so on. In the process, we let go of ‘being’ with the natural rhythms of the seasons and subjugated ourselves to the discipline of the workplace. We became Human Doings. The digital age has only added to our challenge. We are ever more connected and available with portable, indeed wearable, electronic devices, always ‘on’, having to respond, distracting us from ‘being’ and keeping us in ‘doing’ mode.

‘Being’ matters because all the research shows that success ensues when we can be more of who we are – see the Gallup research in ‘First, Break All the Rules’ by Marcus Buckingham (Simon and Schuster UK Ltd/Pocket Books, 2005). Note that it’s when we can be, not when we can do, that we are more likely to succeed.

What do I mean by succeed?

Success is what it feels like on the inside, not what it looks like on the outside.

(Nicola Heulin, Animas Coaching Summit, 2016).

Success has more than one dimension for most of us: our career, our health and wellbeing, our intimate relationships and so on. No one else can tell us what success means for us; we have to figure it out for ourselves.

The consequences of not being oneself can manifest as reduced wellbeing and illness. For example, in the corporate workplace we see significant numbers of people with burnout. When we compromise who we are to fit in with someone else’s values and purpose, we can become bent out of shape. Over time, we can gradually lose ourselves and our health and wellbeing can suffer.

What is ‘being’?

My definition of ‘being’ is simple:

being fully present to oneself and accepting what is.

The power of simply being oneself has been gloriously expressed by Anita Moorjani in her book, Dying To Be Me (Hay House, 2012).

The insights Anita Moorjani shares from her near-death experience and recovery from terminal cancer dovetail perfectly into my learnings from completing various coaching certificates together with my own experience of personal transformation and healing. I became aware that whenever I’ve drifted away from ‘being’ back towards ‘doing’, I lose some of the connection to myself. Not only do I start to feel lost at times, my mood, my ability to concentrate and get stuff done also decline. Anita Moorjani’s book seems to express perfectly what I’ve learned about living and healing, as well as teaching me more about the nature of forgiveness and the power of being non-judgemental. For this learning, I am truly grateful.

In the spirit of simply ‘being me’, I was moved to write a review of her book, ‘Dying To Be Me’, in the moment as I was reading it, to share my learning with a positive intent to serve whomever might read it. There is so much of value in this book that the only way to appreciate it fully is to read it. Here is an extract of my review of those points which resonated most strongly with me, together with my reflections on them.

P128, ‘I detach myself from preconceived outcomes and trust that all is well. Being myself allows the wholeness of my unique magnificence to draw me in those directions most beneficial to me and to all others. This is really the only thing I have to do. And within that framework, everything that’s truly mine comes into my life effortlessly, in the most magical and unexpected ways imaginable, demonstrating every day the power and love of who I truly am.’ Comment: wow! It is an astonishing revelation that the best way to live is simply to be ourselves. It took me nearly half a century to accept myself as I am and no longer try to be anyone else. When I’m in that state is when the magic happens and I’m keen to get back there – I feel another Mindfulness meditation coming on!

P147. ‘I have discovered that to determine whether my actions stem from “doing” or “being”, I only need to look at the emotion behind my everyday decision. Is it fear or is it passion? If everything I do each day is driven by passion and a zest for living, then I’m “being”, but if my actions are a result of fear, then I’m in “doing” mode. Comment: I’ve used this today to help me make a decision, which I’ve been wrestling with for weeks. I realised that fear was driving me and when I made the decision to ‘be’ rather than ‘do’ I felt so much better – this stuff really works J

P161, ‘Since the tapestry of all time has already been woven, everything I could ever want to happen in my life already exists in that infinite, nonphysical plane. My only task is to expand my earthly self, enough to let it into this realm. So, if there is something I desire, the idea isn’t to go out and get it, but to expand my own consciousness to allow universal energy to bring it into my reality here. Pursuing what I desire only reinforces separation, whereas allowing means realizing that since we’re all One and everything is connected, that which I desire is already mine’. Comment: this won’t seem far-fetched if you’ve read Dying To Be Me and understood the transformation of consciousness that Anite Moorjani achieved and brought back with her.

P173, ‘When something comes from the center [sic] of our being, it’s no longer an action – it becomes who we are. We don’t need to think about it or work at it. We become an instrument for service to manifest on this planet. This is the difference between being of service and performing a service. Comment: there are similarities here to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s concept of being in ‘flow’, when we lose all sense of time and nothing else matters. I liken this to a state of Grace – the French expression for flow is ‘etat de Grace’ (state of Grace). This is probably my best indicator of when I’m ‘being’ – if I’m ‘doing’, I lose this lightness and energy. I’m becoming more aware of this and more committed to ‘being’.

P183, ‘The only thing you need to learn is that you already are what you’re seeking to attain. Just express your uniqueness fearlessly, with abandon! That’s why you’re made the way you are, and that’s why you’re here in the physical world.’ Comment: what better way to explain the central importance of being ourselves and living our passion and purpose?

P117, ‘Because of my experience [recovering from terminal cancer], I absolutely do strongly believe that we all have the capacity to heal ourselves as well as facilitate the healing of others. When we get in touch with that infinite place within use where we are Whole, then illness can’t remain in the body. And because we’re all connected, there’s no reason why one person’s state of wellness can’t touch others, elevating them and triggering their recovery. And when we heal others, we also heal ourselves and the planet. There’s no separation except in our own minds.’ Comment: this provides a basis for how coaching can be a healing process. There is so much that modern science doesn’t know about the universe – the 95% of the universe that is anti-matter is as yet a closed book – yet the incontrovertible evidence of Anita Moorjani’s recovery from terminal cancer demonstrates that seemingly impossible healing is possible. This inspires me as I begin my journey as a Health and Wellness coach.

How can we be fully ourselves?

Being is not necessarily an easy choice. We need to embrace all parts of ourselves, as the great poet Rumi expressed in his poem, ’The Guest House’ c700 years ago.

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Rumi

All my coaching programmes start with enquiries on the same topic: who are you? I liken this to ‘painting the invisible person’ so that my client can see themself in 3-D and glorious technicolour. This is about developing their self-awareness by exploring their purpose, their values and their strengths and talents. As explained in my previous article (Coaching the Human: #2: Shadow) it’s about helping the client to embrace all parts of themself, including their shadow side – the ‘crowd of sorrows’ that Rumi mentions in his poem. This also links to my first article (Coaching the Human #1: Love): being fully oneself is the pathway to the most powerful state of being, that of healthy self-love.

Some coaching approaches that I find particularly helpful for client self-awareness are Emotional Intelligence and Mindfulness. The 5 dimensions of Emotional Intelligence (in the EQ-i 2.0 assessment) are: Self-Perception, Self-Expression, Inter-Personal, Decision-Making and Stress Management. The use of assessments of emotional intelligence can be very revealing. Mindfulness meditations with the client are useful to explore what is going on for them in the moment. This helps clients simply to be fully present to themselves, which is a necessary first step towards ‘being’.

What happens when we can be more of who we are?

By way of example, I had a ‘pinch me, am I dreaming?’ moment in early 2020. I realised that everything I wanted in my coaching practice had been manifesting for over a year. This was a surreal experience, seeing ‘success’ in the rear-view mirror without realising that this had become my new normal. This got me wondering: how did I get here?

There are lots of ingredients that have contributed to arriving at my success. Importantly, I knew my life purpose and how being a coach was aligned to that however this was not enough to get me there. I started my practice (as a business mentor) in late 2011 and gave myself 3 years to make it (and trained as a coach in 2014/15). This became 4 years and then in the 5^th year, with my wife’s patience stretched to near breaking point, I realised I had to figure out what was holding me back. It was time to make my business work or give up and get a job. I decided on one more roll of the dice and went on a business accelerator course.

The business accelerator course was excellent. I already knew a lot of the content, but I became increasingly frustrated that I was not implementing what I was being taught. Halfway through the accelerator, the trainer asked if anyone was struggling. I put my hand up and he asked me some pointy questions that had me squirming in my seat. I replied,

‘I don’t have an answer however that is such an uncomfortable question that I know it’s the right question’.

I felt that this was a big clue as to what might be holding me back – this is what I’d been looking for. I decided to let this soak for a couple of weeks then took myself off for a quiet coffee, determined to figure out what was going on. As I cleared my mind and observed myself, I noticed almost immediately that my head was busy with thoughts such as, ‘You need to do this!’, and ‘You must do that!’, and ‘You ought to do this as well!’ I instinctively let these thoughts go and 2 hours later I looked up and discovered that I’d written a brochure for a coaching programme I wanted to run. Within 2 weeks, I was pitching this to a room full of my target audience. I did not sell a single place on the programme however I gained 4 new clients who wanted me to coach them 1:1. If I could achieve that by clearing my mind, I wondered if I could use the same approach to figure out how to grow my business? When I was ready, I took myself off for another coffee and cleared my mind again. When I looked up 2 hours later, I discovered that I had written a business plan, which is something I’d been unable to do for the previous 5 years, despite some expertise in this area. I’d always been the plans guy in my Army days and as a business mentor, I’d scrutinised scores of business plans however I was simply unable to write one for myself. But this was unlike any business plan I’d ever seen before. I realised it was an intuitive business plan, which was much more about ‘being’ than ‘doing’. It comprised coaching exercises and nuggets of wisdom I’d been gathering in a sequence that helped me to figure out who I was, where I wanted to go and how I was going to get there. My insight was that I didn’t need to write a business plan because I already was the business plan! This intuitive business plan worked for me and I started using it with my business clients. Additional versions emerged: the intuitive marketing plan; the intuitive career transition plan; the intuitive wellness plan; and most recently the intuitive leadership plan. These are the basis of my coaching programmes. By the end of these programmes, my clients don’t necessarily have a written plan, they simply know how to ‘be’ and the doing takes care of itself.

Reflecting on this later, I came to understand my purpose for being in business. I’d chosen to be a freelance, self-employed coach. I was in business, so I needed to focus on making money, right? This assumption was so wrong for me! It led me to chase the money when money is simply not what motivates me. I now understood that my purpose for being in business was to be me and to do it my way. This liberated me to simply turn up as myself every day, do what I wanted to do rather than what I thought I should be doing and, amazingly, my business has grown steadily ever since.

This poem expresses the essence of what ‘being’ means to me:

On Being

What does it mean to be, not do?
How can you finally be more you?
How do you find a life that you love?
How do you find a way to choose?

Questions, questions, is where it starts,
Questions to open your heart,
Open your heart and let light in,
This is how your journey begins.

Is it so simple, simply to be?
Yes, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Take your time to know yourself,
Listen and feel for your inner voice.

The road may be long and tough,
Yet this is a journey to love,
Love for yourself, love for others,
This is what really matters.

What’s the secret, how do you start,
To find a way to open your heart?
Sit still and simply be you,
See what comes up and embrace it in full.

This is your way, your truth, your light,
It comes from within, no need to fight.
Yes, courage is needed to face your fears,
And facing them brings a power to heal.

So, let go of others’ voices,
Simply be you,
It’s your life,
Who are you?

Ross Nichols

Working out who you are and how to simply be yourself liberates you to be your best self and get out of your own way. This is where your power lies and this is when the magic happens. I hope this article helps you to be more of who you are and so achieve the success you want. Good luck!

Ross Nichols 2021

My Weird Way of Attracting New Clients!

Mon, 05 Jul 2021 17:22:46 +0100

My Weird Way of Attracting New Coaching Clients!

I started the other week with only a few client bookings in my diary.  This led to the spontaneous thought, 'I could use a few more clients'.

After supper, I checked my emails and received 4 new bookings: 2 leads who converted and 2 previously unknown clients booking 3-6 month packages.  The next morning I received another new client booking a 6 month package.

This experience is not new to me.  It first happened about 3 years ago when I got in touch with my purpose for being in business (to be me and to do it my way).  About 2 or 3 times a year, I have the same or a very similar thought and by some magic that I don't understand, I get new clients or new enquiries leading to new clients within 24 hrs.  Weird or what?  Whatever is going on, it fits with my intuitive approach to business and marketing.  I've learned to relax and allow my business to happen rather than trying to make it happen, based on my core belief that success ensues when we can be more of who we are.

What's your weird way of attracting new clients?

#marketing #intuitivebusiness  #purpose

Coaching the Human, #2: Shadow

Mon, 07 Jun 2021 14:23:00 +0100

Adverse life experiences can cast a shadow over people’s lives, yet I find myself drawn to my clients’ shadow side. What is the client’s shadow? It’s their dark side, the place inside they don’t want to look at, that’s often been suppressed for many years, unacknowledged but hanging over them and casting a shadow over their life. The shadow holds powerful emotions that are hard to live with, such as guilt, grief, shame and fear – is it any wonder that people don’t want to go there? And yet the unresolved shadow always follows them, holding them back from being their best self.

The shadow can be slow to reveal itself: it takes time for clients to develop sufficient trust in the coaching relationship to find the courage to be open to their dark side. Meeting my own shadow was the hardest challenge I’ve ever faced yet this experience gives me the confidence to hold my clients’ hand (metaphorically) and walk with them into their darkness to introduce them to their shadow. It’s my experience that this is where the learning and healing is to be found. As coaches, we don’t bring light to our clients’ darkness, we help them find the light in their darkness. This is elegantly expressed in a short poem:

Sometimes someone isn’t ready
to see the bright side.
Sometimes they need to sit
with the shadow first.
So be a friend and sit with them.
Make the darkness beautiful.

Victoria Erickson, Rhythms and Roads

The first time I read this poem, it reduced me to tears, in fact I wept. These words have such truth, such beauty and power for me because I’ve experienced the transformational power of embracing my own shadow and I’ve seen similar transformations in my clients.

This is not easy work. We need to know our own shadow before we can help others to meet theirs. Working with the client’s shadow is seen as an advanced skill by the ICF, albeit one that came naturally to me and I know comes naturally to many other coaches. The ICF competence of ‘Powerful Questioning’ includes in the definition at MCC (Master Certified Coach) level,

“The questions often require the client to find deeper contact with the client’s shadow and light sides and find hidden power in himself/herself.”

A concept I find helpful here is ‘holding space’ for the client. You won’t find this in a list of coaching competencies, yet it straddles several of the ICF competencies such as: Establishing Trust and Intimacy with the Client; Coaching Presence; Active Listening; and Creating Awareness. I love this description from Heather Plett's article on ‘Holding Space’[1] to create a container for complex emotions such as fear and trauma. The context for Heather Plett’s article is her experience of end-of-life nursing care for a relative.

“When people feel that they are held [metaphorically] in a deeper way than they are used to, they feel safe enough to allow complex emotions to surface that might normally remain hidden. Someone who is practiced at holding space knows that this can happen and will be prepared to hold it in a gentle, supportive, and non-judgmental way. In the Circle Way, we talk about “holding the rim” for people. The circle becomes the space where people feel safe enough to fall apart without fearing that this will leave them permanently broken or that they will be shamed by others in the room. Someone is always there to offer strength and courage. This is not easy work, and it is work that I continue to learn about as I host increasingly more challenging conversations. We cannot do it if we are overly emotional ourselves, if we haven’t done the hard work of looking into our own shadow, or if we don’t trust the people we are holding space for. In Ann’s case, she did this by showing up with tenderness, compassion, and confidence. If she had shown up in a way that didn’t offer us assurance that she could handle difficult situations or that she was afraid of death, we wouldn’t have been able to trust her as we did.”

When the shadow is about to reveal itself, the coaching space can become supercharged with energy. It sometimes feels as if I’m walking on my client’s sacred ground and the imperative to tread lightly forms silently in my mind. This feels like the greatest privilege: to be present and a part of the process when someone finally faces their own shadow. This can be the ultimate act of vulnerability, and it’s my experience that allowing oneself to be vulnerable is a gateway to transformation. Somehow in this sacred space we find the right words to say, the right question to ask, to unlock the learning and allow the healing to begin. Victoria Erickson again:

You’ve got to fall in love
with the shadow.
Everyone has it.
You cannot deny it,
or run from it, or empty it,
or attempt to rise above it.
Swim in it instead. Listen to it.
Respect it. Bow to it.
Breathe it. Honour it.
Be fully fascinated by it.
Connect to it.
It can be harsh and demanding.
Sometimes cold and cruel.
But ultimately it will teach you.
Guide you. Feed you.
Strengthen you. Mould you.
And it will free you.
Knowing your darkness
is what affords you the light.
We cannot feel the day
if we don’t touch the night.
This is harmony.
This is wholeness.

Victoria Erickson, Rhythms and Roads

Writing this reflection and re-reading these poems moves me afresh. This feels like important work, a big part of what I’m here to do and I am fulfilled when doing it. This coaching approach has a therapeutic quality to it without being therapy per se. One of my peers in the Cancer Coaching Community has co-authored a paper on Therapeutic Coaching^{^[2]}, which resonates strongly with me. The essence of therapeutic coaching is a combination of deep presence, mindfulness, emotional intelligence and acknowledging whatever is present in the coaching session. There is no attempt to fix the client. In my view, the therapeutic effect comes from helping the client to develop self-awareness, including the shadow side. When the client can see her/himself, s/he knows what to do. Here is what one client said to me at the end of a coaching session exploring their shadow side:

"I do have it all in me. I just need to go into the dark side of my soul to come back to the light stronger."

A model that works well when coaching with the client’s shadow is ‘The Hero’s Journey’. The hero is anyone who goes on a quest for something precious and has to overcome demons and dragons along the way – think of ‘Jason and the Argonauts’ searching for the Golden Fleece or Dorothy in ‘The Wizard of Oz’ searching for a way home. In the moment of greatest vulnerability, when the hero appears least powerful, s/he faces ‘the supreme test’ and against all odds finds a way to overcome the challenge through a power that was previously hidden and unknown. In so doing s/he is transformed. It’s my belief that for some of my clients, facing their shadow is their supreme test and I’m honoured to be part of their heroic journey.

[1] What it means to "hold space" for people, plus eight tips on how to do it well - Heather Plett

[2] S Jackson and AA Parsons, ‘Developing Principles for Therapeutic Coaching: A UK Perspective’, Philosophy of Coaching: An International Journal, Vol. 1, No. 1, October 2016, 80-98.

COACHING THE HUMAN #1: LOVE

Wed, 05 May 2021 19:39:17 +0100

I’ve heard it said that there are only 2 forces in the universe: love, and the absence of love. In the Elizabethan era play, ‘Dr Faustus’ by Christopher Marlowe (a contemporary of Shakespeare), when asked about hell, the fallen angel Mephistopheles replies,

“Why, this is hell, nor am I out of it.
Think'st thou that I, who saw the face of God
And tasted the eternal joys of heaven,
Am not tormented with ten thousand hells
In being deprived of everlasting bliss?”

Just as the absence of heaven is a living hell for Mephistopheles, so being deprived of love is a terrible loss for a human being who has previously experienced love. The absence of self-love is often a root cause when a client has had a difficult life and struggles to move beyond surviving into thriving. My own experience of the absence of self-love is perhaps best expressed in this extract from a poem:

Consumed by guilt, grief, shame and fear,
my body came to reflect
my inner world of pain, fatigue and misery.
If this was hell, I was in it,
my own peculiar purgatory.
I considered taking the easy way out
but I couldn’t do that to my wife and kids.

My spirit was crushed
My light had gone out.
I had judged myself
and this was my punishment:
to be living on the outside
but dead on the inside:
a dead man walking.

What is love? We use the word ‘love’ frequently. We say, ‘I love my spouse/partner, my friends, my children, my dog or pet. These can all be true while also being different as there are many different forms of love. The ancient Greeks defined 8 types of love[1]:

“1. “Eros” or Erotic Love

The first kind of love is Eros, which is named after the Greek god of love and fertility. Eros represents the idea of sexual passion and desire.

Love Catalyst: The physical body

2. “Philia” or Affectionate Love

The second type of love is philia, or friendship. The ancient Greeks valued philia far above eros because it was considered a love between equals.

Examples in Films: Girl with a Pearl Earring, The Girl Next Door

Love Catalyst: The mind

3. “Storge” or Familiar Love

Although storge closely resembles philia in that it is a love without physical attraction, storge is primarily to do with kinship and familiarity. Storge is a natural form of affection that often flows between parents and their children, and children for their parents.

Love Catalyst: Causal (Memories)

4. “Ludus” or Playful Love

Although ludus has a bit of the erotic eros in it, it is much more than that. The Greeks thought of ludus as a playful form of love, for example, the affection between young lovers.

Love Catalyst: Astral (Emotion)

5. “Mania” or Obsessive Love

Mania love is a type of love that leads a partner into a type of madness and obsessiveness. It occurs when there is an imbalance between eros and ludus.

Love Catalyst: Survival instinct

6. “Pragma” or Enduring Love

Pragma is a love that has aged, matured and developed over time. It is beyond the physical, it has transcended the casual, and it is a unique harmony that has formed over time.

Love Catalyst: Etheric (Unconscious)

7. “Philautia” or Self Love

The Greeks understood that in order to care for others, we must first learn to care for ourselves. This form of self-love is not the unhealthy vanity and self-obsession that is focused on personal fame, gain and fortune as is the case with Narcissism.

Instead, philautia is self-love in its healthiest form. It shares the Buddhist philosophy of “self-compassion” which is the deep understanding that only once you have the strength to love yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin, will you be able to provide love to others. As Aristotle put it, “All friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man’s feelings for himself.“

You cannot share what you do not have. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love anyone else either. The only way to truly be happy is to find that unconditional love for yourself. Often learning to love yourself involves embracing all the qualities you perceive as “unlovable”, this is where shadow work comes in.

Love Catalyst: Soul

8. “Agape” or Selfless Love

The highest and most radical type of love according to the Greeks is agape, or selfless unconditional love.

This type of love is not the sentimental outpouring that often passes as love in our society. It has nothing to do with the condition-based type of love that our sex-obsessed culture tries to pass as love.

Agape is what some call spiritual love. It is an unconditional love, bigger than ourselves, a boundless compassion, an infinite empathy. It is what the Buddhists describe as “mettā” or “universal loving kindness.” It is the purest form of love that is free from desires and expectations and loves regardless of the flaws and shortcomings of others.

Agape is the love that is felt for that which we intuitively know as the divine truth: the love that accepts, forgives and believes for our greater good.”

A definition of love that I find helpful for coaching is: being seen for who we truly are. This has elements of ‘Philia’ (love between equals) and ‘Agape’ (selfless love). If our role as coaches is to help our clients see themselves for who they truly are – and in my view this is a big part of our role – then we are helping our clients to learn how to love themselves. How do we do this? One way is to set appropriate intentions for our clients.

My intentions for my clients have evolved over time. Initially, it was to fully understand them. Then my intention became to hold space for them. Now, whether I’m coaching for business, leadership, career, health and wellness or cancer, I always have the same intention for my clients: to enable them to achieve self-acceptance, self-approval and in due course self-love. This is not narcissism; it is ‘Philautia’ (self-compassion), wanting for themselves that which they would want for the people they love. Achieving self-love enables our clients to self-actualise and opens the potential for them to self-transcend.

To achieve self-love, the client needs 2 inner resources: self-awareness and courage. As coaches we help our clients to develop self-awareness through exploration and reflection. We also hold the space for our clients to feel safe enough to fall apart, knowing that we are there to support them as they find the courage to face their own shadow. The darker the shadow, the greater the courage required. This is not easy work: we can only help our clients to face their shadow side to the extent that we have met our own shadow. Acknowledging our shadow side is essential for self-acceptance.

As the client grows throughout the coaching relationship, they move through the stages of self-acceptance to self-approval and ultimately to self-love. For clients who have rarely or never experienced self-love, this can be strange and challenging. If they have never seen themselves in a balanced, healthy way where they are able to acknowledge their strengths equally alongside their weaknesses, it can freak them out. They may not recognise or be able to associate themselves with the capable, whole person they suddenly see themselves to be. As a result they can retreat into self-doubt and fear, which holds them back and keeps them playing small. This indicates that the shadow side needs further work. We can continue to develop the client’s emotional intelligence and mindful awareness of their whole self as a route to self-acceptance and self-approval. In clients where trauma is present, this process can take years as they gradually come to know and accept themselves, one step at a time. For other clients, it can happen in one session when the client has a profound sense of coming home to themself.

When people learn to love themselves, they let go of limiting beliefs and form new empowering beliefs about themselves. My experience of rediscovering self-love was life changing, indeed life-saving. Here is the final verse of my poem:

My quest for redemption led me to the Journey
I found the courage to face my shadow
and make peace with it through forgiveness.
Now, every day is my second chance.
I can live, laugh, and love again
and I feel truly blessed.
The Journey saved me.

Here are my tips for consciously incorporating love into your coaching:

1. Choose your definition(s) of love. What does love mean to you in a coaching context?

2. Understand how love fits into the coaching journey you offer to your clients.

3. Set your intentions for your clients: what do you want for them and what part does love play in this?

Bringing the power of love into your coaching is transformational. It has been a key element of my coaching journey and I hope it inspires you to help your clients learn how to see themselves for who they truly are.

[1] 8 Different Types of Love According to the Ancient Greeks ⋆ LonerWolf (accessed 19 Feb 2021)

HOW DID I GET HERE? A business success story

Mon, 15 Feb 2021 15:18:44 +0100

In early 2020, I had a ‘pinch me, am I dreaming?’ moment: I realised that everything I wanted in my coaching practice had been manifesting for over a year. This was a surreal experience, seeing ‘success’ in the rear-view mirror without realising that this had become my new normal. This got me wondering: how did I get here?

What is success anyway? I’d written a detailed vision statement when I started coaching and it was all now happening, albeit in surprising ways that I had not envisaged. As Nicola Huelin said at the first Animas Summit in 2016,

‘Success is what it feels like on the inside, not what it looks like on the outside’.

This is true for me. I’m a one-man social enterprise: about one third of my clients are pro bono. I love the variety and I find working with them enriching. For example, one day I’ll be mentoring a young designer with a new product idea (it’s brilliant) and the next I’ll be leadership coaching the head of a UN agency in a hot country – what an honour! The day after, I'll be coaching someone with cancer - what a privilege! This provides a lovely counterbalance to my paying clients. I feel that I am ‘paying it forward’, which is good for my wellbeing.

There are lots of ingredients that have contributed to arriving at my success. Importantly, I knew my life purpose and how being a coach was aligned to that however this was not enough to get there. I started my practice (as a business mentor) in late 2011 and gave myself 3 years to make it (and trained as a coach in 2014/15). This became 4 years and then in the 5^th year, with my wife’s patience stretched to near breaking point, I realised I had to figure out what was holding me back. It was time to make my business work or give up and get a job. I decided on one more roll of the dice and went on a business accelerator course.

‘I don’t have an answer however that is such an uncomfortable question that I know it’s the right question’.

I felt that this was a big clue as to what might be holding me back – this is what I’d been looking for. I decided to let this soak for a couple of weeks then took myself off for a quiet coffee, determined to figure out what was going on. As I cleared my mind and observed myself, I noticed almost immediately that my head was really busy with thoughts such as, ‘You need to do this!’, and ‘You must do that!’, and ‘You ought to do this as well!’ I instinctively let these thoughts go and 2 hours later I looked up and discovered that I’d written a brochure for a coaching programme I wanted to run. Within 2 weeks, I was presenting this to a room full of my target audience. I didn’t sell a single place on the programme however I gained 4 new clients who wanted me to coach them 1:1. If I could achieve that by clearing my mind, could I use the same approach to figure out how to grow my business?

When I was ready, I took myself off for another coffee and cleared my mind again. When I looked up 2 hours later, I discovered that I had written a business plan, which is something I’d been unable to do for the previous 5 years, despite some expertise in this area. I’d always been the plans guy in my Army days and as a business mentor, I’d scrutinised scores of business plans however I was simply unable to write one for myself. But this was unlike any business plan I’d ever seen before. I realised it was an intuitive business plan, which was much more about ‘being’ than ‘doing’. It comprised a number of coaching exercises and nuggets of wisdom I’d been gathering in a sequence that helped me to figure out who I was, where I wanted to go and how I was going to get there. My insight was that I didn’t need to write a business plan because I already was the business plan! This intuitive business plan worked for me and I started using it with my business clients. Additional versions emerged: the intuitive marketing plan; the intuitive career transition plan; the intuitive wellness plan; and most recently the intuitive leadership plan. These are the basis of my coaching programmes. By the end of these programmes, my clients don’t necessarily have a written plan, they simply know how to ‘be’ and the doing takes care of itself.

Here are my tips for achieving success in your coaching practice:

1. Know what your life purpose is and how you are aligned to it in your coaching practice. Are you pointing in the right direction for you?

Understand what you want from your coaching practice: what does success mean to you? Write a Vision statement of everything you’d love to have in your coaching practice and then put it away - you can check it later when you arrive at your success!

3. It’s also necessary to understand your purpose in following whatever business model or career model you are using for your coaching practice: how does this serve you?

Working out these key ingredients liberates you to be your best self and get out of your own way. This is where your power lies and this is when the magic happens ?. I hope this helps you to achieve the success you want. Good luck!

The ICF Revised Code of Ethics - Insights and Tips

Tue, 11 Feb 2020 13:51:13 +0100

If the International Coach Federation’s (ICF) core competencies are the crown in its ‘crown jewels’ (and in my view they are!) then the ICF Code of Ethics is it’s sceptre. The Code is reviewed every 3 years and I find the revised Code, effective from 01 January 2020, to be a welcome ‘refresh’ and easier to use.
ICF members need to understand the Code in order to comply with ICF coaching competence No 1, ‘Demonstrates Ethical Practice: understands and consistently applies coaching ethics and standards.’
Furthermore, as an ICF member, I pledge to, ‘acknowledge and agree to fulfil my ethical and legal obligations to my coaching client(s), sponsor(s), colleagues and to the public at large.’
All coaches wishing to understand the principles of ethical coaching practice will find the ICF Code of Ethics useful regardless of whether they go on to join a professional body such as the ICF.
Here is an overview of the changes to the ICF’s Code of Ethics, some insights into the revised Code and tips on how to use it.

CHANGES
The Introduction to the Code makes more explicit the importance of upholding high standards of conduct consistent with the ICF core values and ethical principles.
The ‘Key Definitions’ section has been expanded to include, for example, definitions of ‘internal coach’, ‘support personnel’ and ‘ICF Professional’.
A new section has been added: ‘ICF Core Values and Ethical Principles’. This includes a link to the ICF’s core values, which are:
1. Integrity
2. Excellence
3. Collaboration
4. Respect
The key principle here is that these values should be used to understand and interpret the ethical standards.
The ethical standards themselves have been refreshed and reorganised according to the coach’s responsibility:
• Responsibility to clients
• Responsibility to practice and performance
• Responsibility to professionalism
• Responsibility to society

INSIGHTS
The grouping of the ethical standards by responsibility is a simpler and more appropriate layout. The language and tone in the revised Code is clearer and feels more accessible. For example, old standard No 23,
‘Encourage the client or sponsor to make a change if I believe the client or sponsor would be better served by another coach or by another resource and suggest my client seeks the services of other professionals when deemed necessary or appropriate.’
Has been replaced by new standard No 8,
‘Remain alert to indications that there might be a shift in the value received from the coaching relationship. If so, make a change in the relationship or encourage the client(s)/sponsor(s) to seek another coach, seek another professional or use a different resource.’
All the ethical standards are important however I would highlight the following 9 (of 28) ethical standards as particularly noteworthy:
• No 3. Confidentiality.
• No 5. Breaking confidentiality.
• No 8. When to make changes to the coaching relationship.
• No 10. Conflicts of interest.
• No 12. Transparency.
• No 14. Policing adherence to the Code.
• No 15. Adherence to the Code by your support staff.
• No 17. Fitness to practice.
• No 24. Prohibition on sexual or romantic engagement with clients or sponsors.
The revised Code extends the application of ethics beyond compliance (dos and don’ts) to a more innovative approach that prepares the coach to handle unexpected issues and dilemmas and requires the coach to use their own judgement. In my view, coaches will only be able to fulfil this requirement if they embrace the ICF’s core values and ethical principles and use them to guide their behaviour, acknowledging that this may require them to make difficult decisions and act courageously. This reflects the reality of coaching out in the real world and helps all coaches to step up in their integrity and professionalism.

TIPS
Here are my tips for using the ICF’s revised Code of Ethics.
1. Refer to the Code when in doubt about an ethical issue and when reflecting on your coaching sessions (in conjunction with the ICF’s updated core competency model): https://coachfederation.org/code-of-ethics For a suggested reflective template, see my previous post on the ICF Updated Competency Model.
2. Embrace the ICF core values of Integrity, Excellence, Collaboration and Respect and use them to help you understand and apply the ethical standards in the Code. Further information on the ICF values is at: https://coachfederation.org/about
3. If you need further guidance on ethics, use the interpretive statements on the ICF website to help you understand and apply the new ethical standards: https://coachfederation.org/interpretive-statements

Familiarity with the ICF revised Code of Ethics helps to keep you and your clients safe. The Code encourages you to be more professional and to have a greater sense of agency when facing ethical issues or dilemmas. This will help you to be more professional, which can only improve your coaching.
If you need further support, you can always discuss ethical issues with your coach trainer, a mentor-coach or a coach supervisor. ICF members can also contact the ICF for further guidance.
Good luck with your ethical coaching practice!

The ICF Updated Competency Model - Insights and Tips

Wed, 29 Jan 2020 18:17:08 +0100

The International Coach Federation’s (ICF) core competencies are its ‘crown jewels’ – and they are now even better!

Following a rigorous, 24-month coaching practice analysis, the ICF announced an updated ICF Coaching Core Competency Model in November 2019. Additionally, a new ICF Code of Ethics came into effect in January 2020.

If you want to coach under the ICF banner, then you need to be familiar with the updated ICF Core Competency Model and Code of Ethics. If you are not yet ready to join a professional coaching body such as the ICF, but you want some coaching competencies to work to, the ICF’s updated core competencies fit the bill.

Here is an overview of the changes to the ICF’s core competencies, some insights into the updated model and tips on how to use it.

CHANGES

The ICF’s core competency model has reduced from 1,537 words to 1,109 words; and the number of competencies has reduced from 11 to 8. The new headings are:

1. Demonstrates Ethical Practice

2. Embodies a Coaching Mindset

3. Establishes and Maintains Agreements

4. Cultivates Trust and Safety

5. Maintains Presence

6. Listening Actively

7. Evokes Awareness

8. Facilitates Client growth

INSIGHTS

The updated model is shorter and simpler; it’s easier to understand and use. Everything of value in the previous model has been carried forward into the updated model while duplication and unnecessary elements have been removed thus simplifying the model. To my mind, it’s a better reflection of the natural flow of a coaching session.

New concepts have been added that make it more like a ‘yellow box junction’: encouraging all coaches to do what good coaches have always done. For example, new competence No 2, ‘Embodies a Coaching Mindset’, highlights the importance of reflective practice, which in my view is key to coach learning and development. I also like the distinction and clarity about the different types of coaching agreement in competence No 3, ‘Establishes and Maintains Agreements’.

The updated model is more holistic, acknowledging the need for coaches to be aware of their coachee’s culture, systems and overall context.

TIPS

Here are my tips for using the ICF’s updated competency model:

1. Save a copy of the updated competency model, and the new ICF Code of Ethics, in a place you can easily retrieve them for reference.

2. Use the updated model to reflect on your coaching sessions. This is the best way to engage with the core competencies and learn how to apply them. If in doubt, ask an experienced coach or a mentor-coach for guidance. See below for a suggested Reflective Template.

3. Transitional arrangements for credentialing are yet to be announced however the ICF have said that the updated model will be used for credentialing not before early 2021. In my view, if you are competent using the updated model, you will also be exhibiting all the competencies of the previous model, so I recommend that you start using the updated model right away.

You can see the full versions of the previous and updated core competency models here: https://coachfederation.org/core-competencies The new ICF Code of Ethics is available here: https://coachfederation.org/code-of-ethics

REFLECTIVE TEMPLATE

Here is a basic template (developed from the Animas Coaching Learning Journal) for reflecting on your own coaching sessions.

· Meta data: Date; Coachee Name; Duration of Session; Type of coaching (e.g. Career, Biz etc). Use a notebook, your PC, tablet or phone as you wish (this is personal data so do remember to ask for permission and to protect it appropriately).

· Context: e.g. session 3 of 6.

· List the 8 coaching core competence headings. Refer to the updated competency model and assess how well you coached against each competence using, say, a tick (competence used well), a question mark (competence partially used), or a cross (competence not used or not understood).

· Your Self-Talk. What were you saying to yourself during the session? Did your self-talk change?

· Outcome for the Coachee. Did your coachee achieve their outcome(s), in whole, in part, or did they exceed them?

· What Could I Do Better? The observations you make here are gold dust for helping you to improve.

As you build up your reflections, you will notice patterns, which you can then address. The competencies can be mysterious at first however over time, with practice and reflection, they begin to reveal their subtlety and richness. This can provoke a lot of thought and useful questions to put to your coach trainer, mentor-coach or supervisor. As you gain experience with using the template, you can add your own additional headings to personalise it. Good luck with your learning and development as a coach!

Uncertainty and Anxiety - Insights from Neuro Science

Wed, 21 Aug 2019 20:05:22 +0100

I undertook some time ago to speak more about my mental health simply to help de-stigmatise the subject and encourage others to be more open about mental health issues. Inspired by Sam Ortyl, I’m now following through on this. This is a post on how my relationship with uncertainty drives my anxiety and how understanding a model of social threat has helped me.

I recently stumbled across an article in ‘Project’ magazine (Issue 298, spring 2019, p. 28-33) entitled ‘Walking in Fog’. On the face of it, this was about project leadership, specifically how project leaders can operate in volatile ‘unordered’ environments by using dialogue and sense-making to understand the emotional dimensions of a project. This approach sees projects as social systems and builds psychological safety, which gives project teams permission to make mistakes in pursuit of better performance. I was intrigued by this and wondered if it could help me in the projects I run (such as organising Salisbury International Coaching Week every year). Furthermore, I wondered if there was anything here that could be relevant for coaching.

The article drew on work by David Rock of the Neuro Leadership Institute on the 5 key sources of social threat: Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness – the SCARF model. A perceived reduction in any one of these activates avoidance behaviours. I’d previously heard of this model but never used it. The neuroscience foundations of the SCARF model are:

· The human brain is hardwired for survival

· The human brain responds to a social threat in the same was as to a physical threat – it tries to avoid it.

· The human brain trusts its own experience above all else when evaluating a threatening situation.

· The response to social threats generates avoidance emotions such as: fear, anxiety, anger and shame. Avoidance emotions lead to avoidance behaviours, such as: defensiveness, denial, attack and withdrawal.

· Conversely, when we feel psychologically safe, the brain generates emotions such as: excitement, trust, joy and love, which enable positive behaviours such as collaboration and creativity.

The article focused on lack of certainty as a source of threat to project teams. In summary, project teams are traditionally oriented towards certainty. They assume that the project environment is ‘ordered’, hence all uncertainty can be managed through appropriate tools such as risk management. In volatile, unordered environments however, this can result in chasing your own tail as project teams attempt to quantify soft, fluid and fast-changing factors. Seeking certainty where none is to be found generates anxiety, which in turn leads to ineffective behaviours, such as over-engineering risk management tools. The alternative approach is to orient towards uncertainty and acknowledge that some elements of project environments are ‘unordered’, for which a more flexible approach is required. This enables project teams to keep anxiety in check and manage the unordered elements of a project in more appropriate ways.

This was an eye opener for me. I’ve been aware for many years that I’m anxious but with little understanding of what lies beneath this. I can now see that I crave certainty over outcomes for which I am accountable. Uncertainty drives my anxiety and leads to defensive behaviours such as not delegating, which increases my workload. I can now look back on some of the struggles I had during my first career in a whole new light! This insight has had a significant impact on how I manage Salisbury International Coaching Week. I have brainstormed with other team members to identify which tasks I can delegate whereas previously I squirmed in my seat whenever delegation was mentioned. The irony here is that I welcome uncertainty in my business and life: I don’t want to know the future as it’s all a wonderful journey of discovery for me. I’m now embracing the unordered aspects of project management, delegating more, learning to ‘walk in fog’ and trusting that ‘it’ll be alright on the night’!

For an insight into my inner world of anxiety, and how uncertainty, and the desire for certainty, has played a part, here is poem I wrote about my anxiety in 2018.

Anxiety and Me

I look at the clock and my mind boots up,
No drowsy lie in here,
Tension grips my stomach and my mind begins to churn
as anxiety has its way with me

We're auld acquaintance Anxiety and me,
I've known you all my life,
Yet I've only recently recognised you
and how I've paid the price

Welcome to my world my friend,
All calculations and dread,
I'd love to sleep the whole night through
and wake without you in my head

I’m coping very well with you,
through avoidance and control,
but it only takes one extra task
and I’m in overload

Deadlines hanging over me,

My biggest source of stress

Until I’ve finished all the work

I cannot rest

Don’t talk to me about resilience,

I understand the idea,

You try seeing things as they are

When your mind is full of fear

How will my story end?

Is this how I’ll always be?

I’d like to find a way

To live more peacefully

I gather it’s not uncommon

For humans to be this way,

What is it that so drives us?

What holds us in its sway?

Maybe it’s because we’re human

With all our complexities,

What lies beneath our surface?

What is our history?

As I get to know you better

I think that you should know

You’ve been my companion long enough

It’s time for you to go

Will you e're come back again
and rob me of my ease?
It's time to let you go my friend
and live my life in peace

If you have any insights,

Pray share them with me do,

Then I can check my learning

And I’ll share back with you

Coaching Tips from a Mentor-coach

Tue, 20 Aug 2019 19:32:19 +0100

‘Flying is easy; it’s take-off and landing that are difficult.’ (Anon)

I’ve been an ICF-registered mentor-coach for 4 years, supporting other coaches to gain their ICF credentials. I’ve noticed some common patterns in the recorded sessions I critique and I share my observations here to help new coaches improve.

With reference to the flying quote, one way to consider a coaching session is in 3 phases: take-off, in-flight, and landing. Let’s look at each of these.

TAKE-OFF

In their eagerness to start ‘coaching’, it’s not unusual for new coaches to overlook the ICF competence of establishing the coaching agreement. Where a coaching agreement is made, it can be superficial with little exploration of what lies beneath. At ACC (Associate Certified Coach) credential level, a simple coaching agreement ‘taking what the client says they want to work on at a surface level’ and attending to that agenda is all that is required however investing time to explore this more fully can create the conditions for the session to go deeper. This also helps to build trust and intimacy, which is another ICF competence.

IN-FLIGHT

Most of the coaches I’ve mentor-coached are good (or very good) at the in-flight ICF competencies: coaching presence; active listening; powerful questioning; direct communication; and creating awareness. There can be, however, a discomfort with silence, probably due to the (incorrect) belief that as a coach they need to perform in order to create value rather than trusting that value is inherent in the process. As my mentor-coach said to me, ‘Never be afraid of silence’. This is when the coachee is doing their most important work in the session, so we need to allow them time to be with their thoughts and feelings.

LANDING

When coachees have breakthrough moments, new coaches can think their work is done so they may neglect the ICF competencies for landing: designing actions; planning and goal setting; and especially managing progress and accountability. Enquiring about what the coachee has learned and how they can use their learning can elicit remarkable action plans. Asking coachees how they would like to be held accountable for following through on their actions increases the probability of them making successful change.

TIPS

Here are my 3 coaching tips for new coaches.

1. Take-off. Be sure to have a coaching agreement, no matter how simple. Exploring beneath this can create the conditions for a coaching session to move beyond the superficial to become transformational.

2. In-Flight. Relax and trust yourself. Embrace silence by setting a positive intention for the coachee before the session and then holding space for the coachee during the session – this is where the magic happens. You will be amazed at what your coachees can achieve when you are silent. Trust yourself to know when and how, or whether, to break the silence.

3. Landing. Develop your own landing procedure to ensure the coachee captures their learning and uses it to achieve the change they want.

I hope that by developing simple procedures for take-off and landing, and by experimenting with silence in-flight, new coaches can continue to develop their coaching competencies regardless of whether they go on to pursue credentials with a professional coaching body such as the ICF.